Doubt II

“If we begin with certainties, we will end in doubt. But if we begin with doubts and bear them patiently, we may end in certainty.”

-Francis Bacon

“Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself.”

-Madeleine L’Engle

Doubt is a frightening occurrence for anyone. Anything can be questioned, including our most basic premises for living. Is it helpful to do so constantly? Definitely not. Sometimes, though, you have to, and at those times to run from the questions is more a rejection of belief than to struggle.

It is no unfamiliar phenomenon that those who travel from a deeply Christian context to a deeply non-Christian one usually experience some crisis of faith. There is a plethora of reasons for this, and most vary from individual to individual. I related to some of this post, “Top 10 Reasons Our Kids Leave Church.”

Top 10 Reasons our Kids Leave Church

For me in current surroundings, uncertainty enters not primarily from being influenced by others’ thoughts, from “peer pressure,” from worrying that those who surround me might think I am not “cool” or not intellectual enough. I’ve been believing in quite a few things that get reactions like that (cough *dragons* cough) for a while with relatively undiminished fervor. Going against the grain is more fun to me than it probably should be. Instead, bewilderment stems from a growing awareness of to what extent our context shapes our thinking, and how deeply what we hear and see as children molds our view of the world. The easy way out of the clash in worldviews is to reject or embrace one entirely (upbringing or new environment) and throw out the other. It is a greater challenge to seek to discover which aspects of truth lie in one, the other, or neither.

This, I think (fingers crossed), is good. Unwavering confidence seems pretty appealing, but how can your faith be your own if there is no fight and construction to make it so? Again, the appearance of that differs from person to person, but there are some questions all of us should ask. What are we afraid of? If God is Who the Church claims, I think He can handle it. We don’t need to “protect” Him from our inquiries, nor should we limit Him to them. If He is God, we’re not going to be able to comprehend most of Him anyway. I question boldly because I seek (and therefore at some underlying level believe in) a Deity who is not in any terms threatened by me or my doubt.

The greater danger, one we all battle, is complacency. You can be complacent about what you do believe or about what you don’t. Wrestling is fine. Not being able to sleep some nights because you are not at peace with your premises is ok. Never considering the issues is not. Of course there are times for rest and trust, but trust does not necessarily entail the absence of struggle. It’s scary, though, so we try to put ban-daids on it: “Read this book.” “Consider this flawless logical argument.” “Follow these steps in this order and it will go away.” A solid foundation, however, involves few quick fixes. Instead, it means work, day after day, and some days things crack or splinter and you have to start over again on that corner. Stripped of surety, you begin with basics. Creeds aren’t written overnight. My hope is that a foundation built with agonizing slowness expounds in firmness.

Phrased thus it sounds like a straight, one-pathed journey instead of a twisted, barely outlined track that criss-crosses and backtracks and has long detours and occasionally disappears. In the past week, I think three people have said almost an identical phrase to me, and I usually assume meaning in such coincidences: “We all have to find our own ways.” I don’t know why faith is a more difficult trek for some than others. I admire and envy those with quiet assurance and enacted surety, because I often feel that this an experience I might never have, but I know it is no less real than mine. Then, too, I only see the outward portion of that faith and can never truly know to what inner structure it conjoins.

I’ve been complimented before on my dedication to contemplation, and I genuinely appreciate the encouragement, but the truth is I don’t have a choice. It is virtuous to ponder existence on a daily basis if it requires effort, but not if it’s inescapable. For me to ignore my drive to discover truth would involve so much exertion that not only would it be a painful betrayal of conscience, it would be exhausting in a less fulfilling way.

I don’t believe in personality types as a boxy or flawless system, but have found some to be surprisingly accurate and helpful in understanding people’s contrasting orientations. A description for mine included this sentence: “INFJs (I knew you were wondering) are rarely at peace with themselves.” Well, fantastic, I thought. I guess I had better get used to this.

As usual, I digress. Side trails are just so interesting, y’all (it feels odd to hear this contraction used so infrequently now, so I thought I’d throw it in for good measure). Take what you will from these scattered musings: as we all must walk our own paths, we all need to hear different things at different times. So, if you need to hear that it’s ok to wrestle and doubt, hear that. If you need motivation to ask hard questions, I hope you feel a bit more inspired.

If you need me, I’ll be over here trying to figure out life and not be frustrated at my perceived lack of progress. Feel free to offer distractions (especially if they involve trees, chocolate, Dr. Seuss, or puppies).